Episode 81: When is Close Too Close with Donors?

Welcome to another edition of "Around with Randall," your weekly podcast making your nonprofit more effective for your community, and here is your host, the CEO and founder of Hallett Philanthropy, Randall Hallett.

Thanks again for joining me, Randall, on "Around with Randall." Today's podcast discussion, conversation actually, has been developing over the last couple months as I have run into as a consultant some interesting situations that lead to the conversation, the thought process, of how close is too close to a prospect or a donor. Number of scenarios, interestingly enough, have kind of been brought to the surface where gift officers, fundraisers have gotten awfully close to their donors. And for the most part we find that that's what we want, isn't it? I mean isn't that what we want is our gift officers, an organization to be very close to our most loyal supporters? Interesting enough, there's a line there.

A couple of examples that I've run into recently. I've been made aware that a gift officer is utilizing a donor's home or homes for personal and family vacations. That's gets awfully close. Now I have certainly stayed in donors homes many times, very fortunate that when I would travel when I was representing organizations as a practitioner that I would stay in a spare bedroom of someone's home and they understood that I'd be coming and going and that I might have an extra meal or two with them, but that my role was to be hoteled there so that I could get out and see people, so that's not what I'm talking about. That maybe this individual has become so close that they're utilizing multiple vacation homes as family vacation spots without the donor being there. I have another situation that has arisen recently where it appears like the gift officer is literally planning family activities, family engagement. I have certainly been a part of and attended a myriad of birthday parties and funerals and other things that donors were very generously inviting me to, including my wife many times, but I wasn't planning them, I wasn't seen as part of the family.

I used to have someone who I worked with who was so close to the donor that there was a fear in my mind that upon passing, and no idea if anything happened from it, that the gift officer might be, they were so close, left in this donor's estate, and there was so much money present that would be a really bad situation.

All of these things lead to the question of how close should we be, and I have told millions of stories - that's a little bit of a figurative number - but a lot of stories about where there were times I knew more about the financial implications, the financial engagement, the financial decisions of the donor, more so than some of the kids, sometimes. And I can think of one scenario where I literally had to have a very hard conversation where there was a very large, very large estate gift coming and he had not notified his kids and I said John you got to do this you got to tell your kids because it's going to put us all in a bad situation. But I've been to those personal events, I've been to those engagements, I've stayed at people's homes and yet what we find is that there is a line. AFP, many years ago, and other associations like AHP and others have adopted it, but this idea of the donor bill of rights and there are things that the donor should be able to expect in the relationship. From the tactical like who's asking them, are they volunteer or a employee to that they're assured the gifts are going to be used correctly, that they're going to be communicated, that they can be pulled off, but one thing that comes out is that, I think it's number seven, is is that there's the language of it states that they can be assured there that the expectations and the relationships are represented in the best interest of the donor. I agree with that 100 percent but what about the best interests of the organization?

So if you think maybe you're too close, or you work with someone who is too close, or supervising the tactical pieces of the conversation, today is what can you do about it. How do you handle this situation? Because what's happening is that the donor may not be being misrepresented in any way, shape, or form, but you're not maximizing the opportunity and all of a sudden if you get too close. It gets hard to ask. I mean, I think about like, my parents, as an example. I would really struggle with asking my mom and dad for a major gift for an organization that I represent. They're too close. I know too much. There's competing interests, there's other people involved like my sisters and how that might affect them. I can't do that.

So where is this line that lets people get close but doesn't compromise the needs of the organization to actually fundraise? So first and foremost, communication's always a winner, is having a very hard conversation with someone. If it's a subordinate and that's your role as their boss, as their manager, as their leader. It's saying something like, I watch you you do such a great job, you've built such a fantastic relationship with them. To be candid I'm a little concerned how close you've gotten to them and I want to make sure that you're not compromising yourself or the donor or the organization. I'd like to talk about that. To get that close, particularly as a gift officer, that means that that gift officer is doing all the things they should, they just did a little bit too much of it. You need to have that conversation. Supervisor, that's what it sounds like. Maybe it's a peer. Gosh you're awfully close to them, are you sure you're okay with where the line is here? Maybe it's a colleague that can help them see the light. If you are vested inside that family, almost seen as a member of that family or involved in that family.

I have another situation that I've realized that I have a a gift officer that I know who is literally inviting this donor to their house for all the holidays, and again part of that's not bad. But if you're seen more as a family member than you are as a representative of the organization, that creates confusion. It messes with the clear lines of what we need to have. So the first part is have a conversation, the second part is particularly if you're in this situation often is realizing that you have a job to do and I can think of one scenario where in in my past where I had someone who literally was so close to everybody they were working, this was a smaller community, they were working with a lot of people and they were so ingrained in the conversations, in the in the relationships, in the lives of these individuals, it got the point this individual couldn't ask any of them, which made her highly ineffective. It wasn't she didn't believe in the mission. It wasn't that she was a bad person. She just got too close to too many people. You may have heard and seen studies and conversations about leaders not staying too long and that's an example of it where you have a 20-year career and all of a sudden you're too close to people particularly the small organization, particularly the smaller community where those things can be more natural, Realizing that it's a job is really important. Realizing who you represent is critically important.

I had an interesting situation where a donor handed me some information and said if i get called to the ED I want them to call you first, and I had to tell this donor no the first person is going to be called is 9-1-1. The first entity it's 9-1-1 then we're going to call you, then they're going to call your family, and if you want me to come and visit i'm glad to but I'm not in that role in the middle. He was a little offended by that, to be candid, and I had to have a good conversation with him to say my role is certainly to shepherd you through whatever you need in terms of medical information. I was representing a hospital medical center. But it's not just to get in between or be in the decision-making tree of your medical care. There are medical professionals and family members who should be a part of that. And eventually we came to an understanding and he kind of agreed, but it was an interesting situation that was too close.

I have a job to do. My job was to ask him for money. My ethics required me to represent my institution and not get too close to him to compromise the relationship but yet at the same time be close enough where he felt comfortable when we talked in our relationship and what I was representing. It's a hard line.

If you find yourself in that situation and maybe, you know, the the car's left the garage so to speak, it's too late ask for help. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked to be involved with fundraising activities here, particularly here in Omaha, and they're like well we know you know so and so and I'm like yeah that's a relationship I can't bring you, I can't bring you into. I can say it's a great idea whatever it is we're looking to do. I can tell the individual or individuals I think it's great and I'm for it, but I can't be in the room when this happens and in some ways I'm asking for help. You need to get to them in a different way and so if you have this relationship maybe you need to bring in another gift officer and you sit down and you say with that particular prospect or donor you and I have developed such a deep relationship based on trust and affection and which I value so much and it it jades my ability to be neutral to represent the organization, and I want to bring someone else in. I'm still going to be your friend and I'm still going to be here but they're going to represent the institution and their interests, and I will be silent or on the back burner of those conversations. If that's already happened, and I've seen this happen, you bring in another person into the equation, if you're a small shop maybe it's a board member, maybe it's the CEO or an executive director or someone else in the office, if it's a larger shop then that's a lot easier because you have other gift officers. The trouble comes is most people don't want to do that they don't think they've done anything wrong or maybe more importantly they think of themselves in a negative way if that were to come up saying well i did something wrong. No, actually some of the best fundraisers I've ever been around have been able to say I've gotten too close we need to bring in someone else to manage the relationship from the institutional perspective. That's not a bad thing. That actually is a sign of being an adult and being a professional and treating the organization with respect to deserves because it's your paycheck in the mission that you believe in and it also treats the donor prospect at the highest possible level. You're putting their interest first which is what we should always aim to do. It's a hard conversation to have with someone.

I can't, I'm emphatically, enough indicate that the damage done if something happens to reputation to the organization to credibility if you don't keep the proper perspective is really - it's sizable to be candid. It also can compromise the financial integrity of the institution or at least the fundraising efforts. I am aware of some situations where there's people fairly close to their donors and they're getting gifts and the question i have figured out to ask that i can't get an answer to is, are they getting the size of gifts that the organization deserves, needs? Are they being asked for the right dollar amount because they're so close to the donor that it's easy to ask for well here's $20 could you do $2,500 when we should be asking for $250,000. And what that does, is it's lost opportunity. It's not maximizing the philanthropic opportunity the organization needs with that particular donor. That can have financial ramifications, particularly if you're planning on that gift. And maybe there's a small committee and you're like well I know you know Betty. Can you talk to Betty and you say sure and then you know I can't talk to Betty the way I need to, or the organization have the conversation with Betty the way it needs to because I'm too close, bringing someone else.

I don't believe anybody I've ever worked with, either as their boss, as a supervisor, or in consulting is doing anything that they have planned or that they're trying to take advantage of someone. I value the people that have these challenges too much on a personal level to ever think that. But in the end, I'm not sure it makes much of a difference to get too close or someone gets too close. The end result is the organization is not being represented correctly. The donor probably is being or the prospect's being challenged to try to figure out where the lines are which is really not donor-centered, donor intent. And professionally you're compromising your reputation if you're the person involved, and to be candid that's so that's three bad ones and that's three strikes and that means you're probably out. And I would highly recommend that we work as an industry and work individually not to allow these things to happen. Be a good friend. Be a good listener. Put their answers first. Be there for them when they need you. Go out of your way to help them. All things I believe in and have executed. But when you become closer and you get to be seen almost like a family member and you're doing things that are really bordering on personal support, you got to be careful otherwise you're going to find yourself in trouble.

Don't forget to check out the blogs on hallettphilanthropy.com, two or three per week going up. And if you're interested in communicating with me, you disagree with this or anything else I've said, or you have an idea for a particular show or a podcast that's podcast@hallettphilanthropy.com - comes right to me. remember building relationships is about in the essence of doing what is what the work that we love and that's helping others, and we are conduits for people who, particularly those with larger resources that want to make a difference for other people which brings me to my all-time favorite saying: some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, then there are those who wondered what happened, and our work we are the facilitators being people who make things happen, partnering and helping people who want to make things happen for people who are wondering and the causes that we believe in and our community needs wondering what happened. And I hope that you can sense every day you walk into the office, a meeting, one-on-one whatever conversation you feel like you're making a difference because you are. Nonprofit work is the work of the angels because we're helping and trying to make our communities better places, and that's what nonprofit work, philanthropy should be all about. Love of mankind and relationships play a particularly important part in that equation. Can't thank you enough for joining me again on this edition of "Around with Randall." We'll see you next time. Don't forget - make it a great day.