Episode 34: Dealing with Difficult People and Situations

Welcome to another edition of “Around with Randall,” your weekly podcast on making your nonprofit more effective for your community. And here is your host, the CEO and founder of Hallett Philanthropy, Randall Hallett. 

It's great to have you alongside me here on another edition of, “Around with Randall.” Today's subject is dealing with challenging people and situations. I had a client who asked me a little bit about this and also had a couple of interesting scenarios from client work that I thought might be helpful to talk a little bit about and some thoughts I have on how to work through them. Let's start with the situations and I will keep it generic. The first was a scenario in which the database work of an organization and the things that come out of it, like gift reporting, thank you notes, thank you letters, legal correspondence, probably wasn't up to snuff in terms of accuracy. It's an issue that's been going on for a little while, and there's some stress between leadership and those in the various areas of operations. 

The second is a Chief Development Officer who is in conversation during the budgeting process where the nonprofit has some challenges financially, particularly because of COVID and the CFO is indicating that there needs to be a great deal of increased philanthropy, but there's no rationale reason or a thought behind it -- just a number that's thrown out. In both cases, there's some challenges in the conversations and in the relationships and those issues are beginning to bubble up and over into potential long-term issues. I'm working with both, to help find solutions to the two challenges. 

Let's start with this idea of where people are coming from. I think there's a difference between a stressful situation and a challenging personality. COVID has changed our community, our organizations, our home lives in massive ways. I think if we were to read in the local papers, if it's your paper or others, accounts or news stories where someone got aggravated. There's an increased issue on airplanes with people not putting on their masks. There are if you talk to service workers in restaurants and other places, there seems to be a lot more stress and people are doing things that are inappropriate. I'm not here to justify the behavior. There isn't justification. If you're not behaving at the level that you should or someone should, and/or you're not following the rules. The rules are what they are, but I think that today's world has put an immense amount of stress on people for a myriad of different reasons. And so how you deal with it in the short-term may be different than if it's a challenging personality. If this is the same issue you deal with over and over with the same person inside your organization, or as a volunteer and it's consistent, then this isn't going to be an issue that's short term, it's going to be long-term. 

In the two examples I used that's where they're at. They're both long-term challenges because these things have been going on for a while. The gift recording and outcomes of accuracy are something that have been documented for a while and the CFO has had a habit of doing this. It's just a much higher number. This causes an immense amount of stress and strain. What we know about stress and strain is it affects your health. There's a great deal of study now about stress and that when there's enough of it, things like cortisol are pushed out into your system that have negative health consequences. They've done Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging, FMRI’s that show when there's increased stress, the same parts of the brain where there's pain are triggered. So, this is not just like, well, you know, I shouldn't feel this way. There's actual evidence that say it's a medical related condition and stress has long-term implications on higher stroke, higher heart attack, shorter life.

The other thing is that we have to begin probably from the concept of realizing that they may not feel stress on the other end. That's sometimes frustrating. This may be a big deal to me, but it may not be a big deal to them. There's an immense amount of stress and frustration that comes from that. This is my world. I'm on the front line dealing with this issue, or this is going to have an immense impact on me and you're not going to have to deal with it. They may not even care as much. The way I try to position this is kind of like how I deal with my kids, particularly more of my seven-year-old, but a little bit my four-year-old. When I put my kids to bed, we have a kind of a routine like everyone else, but one of the things in our routine, if things have gone well, and we're on time is we get out my phone and both kids love to play a little golf game on the phone, from one of the apps. What I've used and having played a lot of golf in my life is help them better understand that the only thing that they can control is themselves. Golf is a great indicator. You could do everything right and the other players could do it better and you didn't do anything wrong. They just had a better score. So, the only thing you can really worry about is yourself. How do you take care of this scenario or situation? Golf's a great teacher of that. If you don't play golf, you can understand the concept. 

Really in some ways that's really what we're talking about in terms of dealing with difficult personalities, difficult situations. So, what are the tactical things that you can do? So let me start with the biggest thing at the top of the tactical, and then we'll start through some smaller ones and maybe even the end result, if it's absolutely necessary -- two kind of outcomes.

Number one is I don't think we talk enough about this. We need to be more conscious of how we can help solve their problem. If you solve the challenging personality or the person you're dealing with, where there's an issue, if you solve their problem as long as it also helps you, then that makes you an asset in the situation, not a liability. So, the first thing is to put yourself in a paradigm -- what's really bothering them? Sometimes, it's easy to know and sometimes it's not. We actually just need to ask, “Gosh, you seem like this is really a challenge for you. What's the cause? How can I help you?” You'd be surprised how many times just that simple thought process can help you get through the challenging circumstance.

Let me also talk a little bit about some of the specific tactical things that you might apply when dealing in certain situations. Number one is this idea of listening. And using the phrase, “Gosh, I'm so sorry you're going through this or I'm so sorry that this is a challenge.” Having empathy for someone else's position, even if they're the difficult or challenging personality can embolden an immense amount of rapport that can better the relationship. If this is a challenge for you, it's probably not the only person in your organization that it's a challenge for. So, they're going to go to the places where there's the least amount of resistance, but it doesn't mean give up on your principles. That doesn't mean change your expectations. Just change the communication a little bit. 

Number two is “be calm.” I've run into scenarios, both as a practitioner and now as a consultant where I have to back people down on the emotional meter very quickly. What can happen and sometimes does happen is that your emotions cause other problems to develop in the relationship and that sometimes can overwrite or overcome the initial challenge in the first place because your behavior, your language isn't respectful. What ends up happening is that elevates above well, we got this problem, but really what now we have is that we can't even communicate. Anger is your strongest adversary. Your own personal anger is your strongest adversary in dealing with a challenging person. That's not easy to always do and finding ways to make it less personal is really important if at all possible. 

It might be my legal education or the fact that I love numbers, but the third thing is “use facts and data.” It kind of reminds me of the old Dragnet, “Just the facts, Ma'am just the facts,” said Joe Friday. If there's a scenario situation, and you only deal on the facts and you keep your voice and tenor respectful, and even it's harder to argue. These are the facts. How can we solve them? Well, I don't like your facts. Facts are facts. You'll get further with a respectful tone and using data and facts to validate your situation. And by the way, if you don't have those facts and they do, you're going to be in a position that's very trying to overcome.

Also, number four, “try to put yourself in their position.” It goes along with kind of that solving their problem. Try to figure out where the pressure points are and why they're doing this. This is all about politics, and sometimes it gets us to number five is “getting an outside perspective.” So, by putting yourself in their shoes and then having a confidant, you can say, here's the situation. What do you think? One of the things I appreciate in my consulting role is that I hope I have really great relationships with my clients because they tell me things, they wouldn't tell anyone else professionally. They also know I'm not going to sugarcoat it. If I think they're wrong, or I think they've overplayed their hand, or I think they're not where they need to be. I'm actually going to tell them that. That's the kind of relationship I want. I want them to say, there might be a different way of looking at this. Have you thought about X? We thought about Y and then help them reposition it. But having that perspective, once you put yourself in someone else's shoes can be very important because it becomes a confidant that you can trust to help you get through some challenging issues or people. 

Number six is “ignore.” Sometimes people send communications. 25 years ago, we didn't have text messages or emails, so it was more verbalized, but there's so many different ways of people communicating now. Sometimes it's better just to ignore the communication. There's the famous story during the Cuban missile crisis of Premier Khrushchev, sending two separate communications to President John F. Kennedy about how they were going to handle Cuba. The first was very advantageous. The second was very negative to the United States position and it was Ted Sorensen who said to the President, why don't we just ignore the second and deal with the first like, it never happened. Sometimes ignoring the communication or letting time go by for a little while can be very advantageous because the person might send another communication or something else happens that changes the scenario. Also, ignoring is also a cooling down period, possibly before you just start typing an email or a text that you can't get back if you hit send. Taking a moment and realizing time is your advantage is important. The key is not to ignore the important messages that need a response. Maybe don't send the response right away. But when I say ignore, that could be temporary or that could be permanent. 

At the end of the day if things don't get better over time. There's kind of two alternatives to look at. Number one is to elevate the situation to a supervisor, boss manager, leader, to say, we have a challenge here, and I'd like to make sure that we can work this out in a meaningful way. A couple thoughts on that. That should be a last resort. Most leaders don't want their subordinates bringing them problems that should have been handled well below that leadership level, whether that's gift officer to a vice-president or if you're the CDO and the issue with the CFO, to the CEO. They have enough problems. So, it's your responsibility to try to work out the challenge before you go up the chain of command.

Deal with it locally, if at all possible. But if you are required to go up, make sure the data, the facts and the evidence are on your side. Be respectful and not accusatory in the communication because the one thing you don't want is this to reflect badly on you, even if the situation is resolved in your advantage.

The other alternative is the thought of, well, I'm just going to leave. I'm not saying that shouldn't happen. There's a book written in the 1970s by an author by the name of Erma Bombeck. And the title of the book was the Grass is Not Always Greener on the Other Side of the Septic Tank. It's something I've always tried to keep in mind. Your challenges in your organization may or may not be better or worse than going to another job and their challenges and situations. No matter where I go, no matter who I consult with, no matter where I've worked, there are challenges. There are difficult people. The thing that I would advise most for individuals is to make sure you're doing everything you can to control your world, your output, your ability to do your job. If you don't get the response you want, if you can't elevate or have nothing happens, I'm not saying there isn't a time to leave, but I'm saying be careful because sometimes as Erma Bombeck said, it's not always greener over there across the fence it just may look different. So, be careful, make the judgment with a clear head and know that is this really worth it? Are we kind of at the end of the process where I feel as if I'm being impugned or can't do my job, or I can't be effective? Challenging personalities and situations are going to live with us and we just have to work through them. I go back to what I tell my son. The only thing you can do is worry about what you do, just like golf. At the end of the day, just post a score and we'll see where we're at. If you need to, you can go play on another golf course. 

Just a couple of reminders. I want to thank everyone who reaches out to me. This podcast initiated from podcast@hallettphilanthropy.com. Someone said, could you talk a little bit more about that? I appreciate that. You're welcome to do the same. If you disagree with something, I said that's reeks@hallettphilanthropy.com. You can do this podcast or watch it on video from the website, from any one of the podcast hosts, iTunes, Doncaster, Spotify, go ahead and download. Leave a message. Leave a note. Appreciate it very much for those that are subscribing as well.

I want to say, as a reminder, this is such an amazing opportunity to help people. That's why we're here. That's the nonprofit world. The ability to help others who are challenged with things that are important in their life and whether it's healthcare or social service or education, museum, arts, zoos, we're here as nonprofit leaders, employees, volunteers who want to make a difference. I want to thank you for that. It makes this profession, in my opinion, one of the great opportunities that no one ever really talks about in the global world. We are doing amazing things and you are doing it for your community and your nonprofit. Think about all the positives you have experienced here recently to reenergize about the value and the vocational call you have to serve others. 

Remember “Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. Then there are those who wanted what happened” and we're people who make things happen for people who are wondering what happened. I appreciate your time today. Hope you enjoyed the conversation. Hope there are some things in there you can use. I'll look forward to being with you right here on “Around with Randall.” Make it a great day.